the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm both gender and math confused
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
