Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
