literally had 100 drinks last night.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
These tits shall not be calmed
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
