Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
