and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
