her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
