I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize