I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize