we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
