new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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