She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
