Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
