i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We are all done wearing pants today
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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