i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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