my phone needs a breathalizer
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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