Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
