when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize