Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
