Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
