I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
