just come out here and I will go home with you...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
