note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
