My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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