I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
