i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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