If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
