I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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