just survived the first fart of the relationship.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
