I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
