He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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