for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
