i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
