I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
