Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
one two three fourrrrnication!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
