apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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