OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
