if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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