A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
