I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
