guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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