hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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