you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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