this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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