im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
is wine microwaveable?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Randomize
