I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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