The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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