if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
