I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
