Say something about gay babies.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize