I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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