I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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