So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
