she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
