i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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