This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
