I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
