You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
