You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
