He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
