life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
