I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
