You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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